Everything is going against us. Hell, he does not even know that someone like me is existing. His love is for someone else. Someone better. But how could something be so wrong when I know it is right? We practically belong together. Made for each other. Soul mates. If only he could see that. 

When Claudius is Right

How thick can they get? When someone tells you to stop, you stop! I don't want to hear any of your bullshit! All you do is hurt me. God I wish it all would stop.

"When sorrows come, they come not single spies, But in battalions." (Hamlet, Act IV.) Amen to that. Ain't that the truth?  

Forbidden Fantasies

It was only a dream. But it felt so real! I wish it was. It was a dream of prom night continuing, and Jordan D.* was telling me to sneak out of the house to hang out with him. We walked in the night, and cuddled and looked out at the stars. Then, we went back to prom and danced and talked. I kept on asking him, "But aren't you dating Briana?" But he never replied. Right when we were about to kiss, I woke up. 

I couldn't believe it wasn't real. I could feel the wind blowing against me, and the warmth of his body as it was pressing against me. The feeling of his arm around me, holding tight. The way his eyes could pierce in to you. Everything felt so much more than a dream. The one time I truly felt like I had a Cinderella moment - it was all in my head. 

I know we'd be so good together. It can't be just nothing. But he and I come from different crowds. I don't think he would accept me. Maybe if he breaks up with his girlfriend would he ever even look at me in real life. But I know he definitely would never like me, as he probably nearly hates me by now. All that remains is a forbidden fantasy. 

*name has been changed. 

The Door is Firmly Locked

I wish I could write through it all. The words would be streaming out, and my pain would be bleeding through them. I wish I could put it all there. Let it out. But these blocks are thwarting expression. I can't put it into words. It is indescribable. All I can do is draw a blank towards the outside, with the things I hold back slowly creeping and hurting me inside. 

Life is just one big game, and you have to play along and hope you get it right. Playing along is all you really can do.

Inside My Thoughts

When I am inside my brain, I am in a scary place. Any distraction keeps the darkness at bay. As reality rushes back to me, thought after thought washes over. Each thought is worse than the one before, and any glimmer of hope is quickly drowned by the overwhelming reality. I look at others, and wonder, and sink deeper and deeper into the inner chasm.

Lungs fill up with thick and tangible darkness. I can feel it. I feel it rise from the innermost pits of hell. I feel it working it's way through my limbs. It encircles every nerve. As if by command, it clenches. The tentacles tighten around my neck. Something stops my heart from beating. Brain is racing but frozen at the same time. The cold works its way in. The end is near. I am alone.

Behind Closed Doors

Shut up! Just shut up! Get out!Get out of my head! Get out of there!

They have no idea what they are talking about. They poke their noses into everything, thinking they know it all. But do they really? They throw accusations at me, believing they are omniscient beings standing in front of a failure, a disappointment. 

How do they know what the protagonists don't tell them? How can they know about the drama that has been unfolding these past four years? How can they know anything about what goes on behind closed doors? 

What goes on behind closed doors.

Nobody can tell. Nobody knows the real truth. Everybody assumes they know it. They think it is explainable in a single word. They do not and will not dig deep to find the truth. They will cling on to what is comfortable. And then the blame falls on me. Of course it does. Who else could be at fault? 

I am not perfect, nor do I claim to be. I try hard, but I still mess up. But someday, they'll see the truth. They will realize exactly how wrong they were, and how much they hurt me. They will see how twisted the words of the past were.

But it will be too late. I'll be gone, and the damage has been done. The accusations will stay. Then they will realize, that nobody knows what truly happens behind closed doors. 

What happens behind closed doors.

Or possibly, they'll never know. I'll be left with it all. The hurt, the blame. In the words of another, "We'll say goodbye. We'll say that you didn't try..." And they will never know, what really took place, all those years ago, behind closed doors. 

It all took place behind closed doors.