Wacko Dream

I just had an epic dream and I needed to write it down somewhere, so I thought here.

In my dream, I just graduated from high school, and my school and my ex boyfriend's school decided to throw a graduation party together, combining the classes. Before going to the party, my ex was bothering me on Facebook. Now, the party was held at this village looking place that had a church, a fountain, a dance floor, long banquet tables with white table cloths and flowers on them, as well as two statues. One statue was a woman with dark hair and a red, sparkly dress (looked a lot like Jessica Rabbit's dress). The other statue was a man dressed in plain black robes. (Kinda looked like a cross between Darth Vader and a nun.) We knew in the dream that the lady statue represented fun, dance, love. The man represented academics, rules, and hard work. (Also notable that red and black were my school's colors.) Whenever the statues would have sunlight hit them, they would cast these "shadows" and become animated and would be able to move and speak. The shadow the lady statue casted was tinted gold with red polka dots. The shadow the black statue casted was grey with black vertical lines. We were told that whenever the sunlight hit the statues and they would cast these glows and become alive, that meant that God's presence was with us. I was standing next to the red lady statue when gold sunlight was shining on her back and she cast her glowing shadow on these girls in white dresses who were taking a picture in front of the fountain. She looked at me, and smiled. And so, I was right next to God as He was blessing these girls. I ended up walking up a hill overlooking the party. The statue of the man in black robes was standing on top of this hill, watching me as I climbed. He was casting his shadow, too. He was casting it on me. When I walked up to the top, I stood next to him, walked passed him, and then he exclaimed to all the students below "The seventh kingdom has come." And he crowned me as a representative of God, saying that His presence would now be known through me. After that, all the students sat down for dinner, and I was happy that I could avoid my ex boyfriend. I avoided my ex on the dance floor, too. Suddenly, we heard a voice say something along the lines of, "Not so fast. Nothing came yet!" And suddenly, three or four men in camouflage uniforms and some caps of either a red or a blue color rushed at us with weapons aiming right at us. We were ushered into the church and were told to pray. If the seventh kingdom really had come, someone would be able to answer our prayers and save us. Otherwise, we would be shot at, and only the smart use of the person in front of us as a shield could save us. We prayed, we prayed, and we prayed. Nothing happened. Until the door opened right behind me, and another man in camouflage with a weapon came in. As the door was closing behind him, I hid behind this man's back, and discreetly scampered through this open door. As soon as I was out, I ran as fast as I could, shouting "call 911" to random people passing by. As soon as I got to a phone, I called the police, and a SWAT team appeared, and started shooting at the men in camouflage, and with the help of a ballistic shield, I was able to get everyone out of the church and to safety. Later, both statues stood next to me as I stood on a pedestal, and people were cheering, and I was proclaimed as channeling God's presence. And the last thought in my head before I woke up was "I really hope my ex doesn't notice me."

Everything is going against us. Hell, he does not even know that someone like me is existing. His love is for someone else. Someone better. But how could something be so wrong when I know it is right? We practically belong together. Made for each other. Soul mates. If only he could see that. 

When Claudius is Right

How thick can they get? When someone tells you to stop, you stop! I don't want to hear any of your bullshit! All you do is hurt me. God I wish it all would stop.

"When sorrows come, they come not single spies, But in battalions." (Hamlet, Act IV.) Amen to that. Ain't that the truth?  

Forbidden Fantasies

It was only a dream. But it felt so real! I wish it was. It was a dream of prom night continuing, and Jordan D.* was telling me to sneak out of the house to hang out with him. We walked in the night, and cuddled and looked out at the stars. Then, we went back to prom and danced and talked. I kept on asking him, "But aren't you dating Briana?" But he never replied. Right when we were about to kiss, I woke up. 

I couldn't believe it wasn't real. I could feel the wind blowing against me, and the warmth of his body as it was pressing against me. The feeling of his arm around me, holding tight. The way his eyes could pierce in to you. Everything felt so much more than a dream. The one time I truly felt like I had a Cinderella moment - it was all in my head. 

I know we'd be so good together. It can't be just nothing. But he and I come from different crowds. I don't think he would accept me. Maybe if he breaks up with his girlfriend would he ever even look at me in real life. But I know he definitely would never like me, as he probably nearly hates me by now. All that remains is a forbidden fantasy. 

*name has been changed. 

The Door is Firmly Locked

I wish I could write through it all. The words would be streaming out, and my pain would be bleeding through them. I wish I could put it all there. Let it out. But these blocks are thwarting expression. I can't put it into words. It is indescribable. All I can do is draw a blank towards the outside, with the things I hold back slowly creeping and hurting me inside. 

Life is just one big game, and you have to play along and hope you get it right. Playing along is all you really can do.

Inside My Thoughts

When I am inside my brain, I am in a scary place. Any distraction keeps the darkness at bay. As reality rushes back to me, thought after thought washes over. Each thought is worse than the one before, and any glimmer of hope is quickly drowned by the overwhelming reality. I look at others, and wonder, and sink deeper and deeper into the inner chasm.

Lungs fill up with thick and tangible darkness. I can feel it. I feel it rise from the innermost pits of hell. I feel it working it's way through my limbs. It encircles every nerve. As if by command, it clenches. The tentacles tighten around my neck. Something stops my heart from beating. Brain is racing but frozen at the same time. The cold works its way in. The end is near. I am alone.